Sonofabtch Pinot Noir
by Evangeline's Angel
Summary: Tony's been driving Darcy crazy for weeks. A small discovery at when on an errand is just what she needs to get back at him. (Un-beta'ed) Crossposted to AO3


Tony had been getting on everyone's nerves for days. He'd climbed up onto his high horse and nothing seemed to be pulling him down, even JARVIS was exasperated; as much as an AI could be exasperated that is.

Natasha hadn't given up, but she hadn't put up even the tiniest arguments when she was assigned a covert op in Eastern Europe three days ago and Thor had taken a trip home to Asgard the following day. He claimed to have been summoned by his father, but Odin was never subtle about wanting Thor to come home before, so the rest of the team was sure he just wanted an escape.

Clint and Darcy were taking turns making faces behind Tony's back every time the aforementioned man turned from one to the other. And Steve avoided him as much as he could, taking every opportunity to run that he could.

Darcy had been working at the tower for exactly three months and had had about as much of Tony Stark's constant orders for random silly things that had no purpose. The man was a megalomaniac and Darcy was just about ready to quit her first real paying job and go find Jane at whatever tiny lab or huge telescope she had found her way to.

Last night at three a.m. Tony had sent her out for a toasted BLT from a diner called _Joanie's_ that was located twenty-six blocks from the tower. By the time she had returned with the sandwich, Tony had been fast asleep on his grease stained couch in his lab. Darcy left the sandwich on his chest, patted Dummy on his claw before stumbling her way home, an apartment in Hell's Kitchen.

The morning came for Darcy before the sun. She was at the tower making breakfast for the Avengers

Natasha had appeared silently in the night, she showed up at breakfast as if she hadn't been gone for a week, simply taking her place and blatantly swiping her favourite foods off of everyone else's plates.

Bruce had disappeared into his lab as soon as breakfast was over. Natasha slunk back to her rooms after eating the last kiwi off of Steve's plate. Clint had already fallen back asleep, his arm curled around his plate, still half full of pancakes and sliced fruit. Tony hadn't even made an appearance at breakfast, he slept until almost eleven a.m. When he finally woke up he immediately began working with one hand while he ate the BLT sandwich Darcy had left on his chest.

When all known indicators of the Bi Frost opening began to show up Tony insisted that there be a _family_ dinner held on communal Avengers floor. Tony assigned Darcy the task of organizing favourite meals for each Avenger from their favourite restaurants around the city. And whatever drinks to go with them.

Darcy spent her afternoon calling around to six different restaurants and threw as much of Tony's money at them until they agreed to, at the very least, cook the meals for her. Four of the six chefs insisted that the food be picked up, and charged a frankly obscene amount of money. The other two thankfully agreed to deliver, though they did charge nearly as much as the rest. After that it was a matter of gathering beverages.

Thor was easy to please, he had a great love of coffee. The tower already had a large supply, given that Tony practically lived on it. Steve was also a fairly simple, he rarely drank alcohol, given that it didn't do anything for him and he wasn't a fan of the flavour, so a bottle of Coca-Cola classic and a glass of ice water would suffice. Bruce was probably easiest of all, he ordered his own lose leaf tea and always insisted on brewing it himself.

Clint was a little bit more difficult, on his down time he would either guzzle down can after can of _whatever-was-cheapest_ then wash it down with a bottle of cheap bourbon, or he wouldn't drink any alcohol and drink nothing but water and fresh fruit juice.

Natasha generally drank water and tea, if she wasn't drinking the strongest Russian vodka she could get her hands on.

Tony though, insisted on having the best of everything, if he didn't want something specific out of his own collection, it was up to Darcy to find the best thing he didn't already have.

This sent Darcy to a small grocer to pick up a few different kinds of juice, which she dropped off before making her way out to three separate liquor stores to gather the rest. A bottle of vodka for Natasha, a twelve pack of _Old Milwaukee_ that was on sale, and though she knew it wouldn't matter to Tony, Clint was still chomping at the bit when it came to Tony spending excessively on him.

The final stop led to the discovery of the day for Darcy. Tucked in amongst hundreds of other bottles of red wine, to go with Tony's chargrilled steak, was a bottle of pinot noir from a small winery in southern Ontario. Megalomaniac Winery.

Darcy laughed loudly enough to draw attention from the other patrons as well as a staff member who quickly rushed over to see what the commotion was.

"Hi, my name is Kristin, can I help you with anything today?" The sales woman was slender, but taller than most women and she was wearing heels that allowed her to tower over all but the tallest of patrons.

"Can you tell me if you carry anything else from this winery?" Darcy questioned while picking up a bottle from the shelf.

"That's the only one we currently have in stock, though we have had others before." Kristin answered. "They also have a website that you can look through as well as order from."

"Well, I'll take three bottles." Darcy told her brightly.

"Are you having a party?" Kristin questioned as they carried the bottles to the register.

"My boss is having a dinner party, I think they'll enjoy this." She answered.

She laughed, "Good luck!"

Darcy grinned back as Kristin rang through the order once they reached the register.

Darcy sent a driver to the four restaurants that didn't agree to deliver the Avengers meals to the tower at 5:30 p.m., though she was sure that the chefs were expecting her to come in person. The other two meals arrived shortly thereafter. Darcy set the main dining table that was only ever used if all the Avengers were eating together at the same time, then went to wrangle Tony out of the lab.

After twenty minutes of cajoling, Tony finally left the lab and Darcy was able to return to the kitchen to find the rest of the Avengers meals had been delivered in her absence. Plating was not in her job description, so the meals were served in the delivery trays and containers they came in rested on top of the plates Darcy had already set out on the table.

"JARVIS, please tell everyone dinner is ready," Darcy requested while she began to place drinks on the table.

"Of course Miss Lewis," JARVIS replied. "They are on their way."

Darcy set a wine glass at Tony's place setting and made her way back to the kitchen to get the bottle of wine she'd left on the counter to breathe.

When she returned to the dining room the Avengers had assembled and taken their places around the table. Bruce had, evidently, made tea in his lab as he hadn't come into the kitchen, though he did have a steaming cup sitting in front of him. Clint had already popped the top to his first _Old Milwaukie_ and Natasha was passing the salt and pepper shakers to Steve, whose ice water was already half drained.

Tony was staring at his empty wine glass.

Darcy cleared her throat and the room fell silent.

"Your wine, Tony." Darcy stepped forwards and placed the bottle on the table with the label facing her employer. "Let me know what you think, I thought it was quite fitting."

Tony's head tipped backwards and let out loud guffaws. "That's good, Lewis. Point to you."

Tony poured himself a glass of wine, and when he set the bottle back on the table, he turned it so the label showed to the rest of the Avengers.

Sonofabitch Pinot Noir.

* * *

 **A/N: Megalomaniac Winery is real, as is the Sonofabitch pinot noir, though I have never had it. I've had their Riesling and it's quite good. I don't think it's available in stores in the U.S., though it is available in some LCBOs in ON, Canada. You may be able to order it and ship it internationally through their website, I'm not sure.**


End file.
